A bad ventriloquist was advised by his agent to set up as a fake medium. The "spirit " could then "talk" to the customer and he could charge £25. His first customer was completely fooled into thinking she was talking to her late husband Charlie. At the end of the session, she asked if she could come back the following Friday to speak to Charlie again. The "medium" agreed but said this time the charge would be £50. "Why so much more?" asked the customer. "Because", said the "medium", "Next time Charlie will speak to you while I'm drinking a glass of water!"
A rabbi, a priest and a vicar were in a fishing boat on a lake. On the shore was a shop. Suddenly the rabbi stands up and says, "I need some more bait." He steps out of the boat, walks across the top of the water to the shop. He then walks on the top of the water back to the boat. The priest says, "I'm going to buy a paper." He walks on the top of the water to the shop and returns the same way. The vicar is totally amazed. "I'm going to buy some chocolate" he says, steps off the side of the boat...and nearly drowns in 20 feet of water. The rabbi and the priest drag him back in the boat and ask, "Why didn't you use the stepping stones like we did?"
A merchant banker is walking in the countryside. He turns a corner and meets God! The banker asks "Is it true that a million years on Earth is like a minute in Heaven?" "That would be a fair comparison," says God. "So a million pounds on Earth would be like a penny to You in Heaven?" "That would be true" says God. "Well, can I have one of your pennies?" asks the banker. "Certainly," says God. "I'll go and get you one. Wait here a MINUTE!"