Well....in a most likely unrequired (the shows dubious practises are already well documented) but never the less genuine intention to watch the latest live shows with a view to writing something on them i gaffa taped myself to the sofa and stuck matchsticks in my eyes the last two nights in preparation for eight hours (not including endless "shortest of short" as Wossy terms it ad breaks) of "chucklevision" theatre.
I figured if since i already was nursing an aching gob the oft used term "id rather pull teeth that watch MH" might at least be given a literal meaning for once
Anyway armed with a medicinal vodka (to numb the boredom more than the toothache) i sat down to what sadly couldnt even be described as entertainment even in the "watching it for comedic gaffs " kind of a way nevermind anykind of serious investimigation.
The over riding impression was of a team of people who simply had stopped even trying ...and when i say trying im not refering to their attempt to be taken seriously ...that particular flicker of a flame seems to have died in them a long time ago if it ever exisited truely at all.
I mean even in the sense of an entertainment show ...as a spectacle....be it a comedic gaff fest or shlock kitcshfest of ham horror.
The investigation side of things requires little comment anymore , mainly because its long been clear its no longer the real focus of those that watch or those involved in the making of the show either for that matter. The humour or entertainment side however seems to have also been neglected this time around by the team also and there was a real sense of boredom and routine about them as they went through the motions.
Both these failings were evidenced by what i am now calling "The Corsa headlight confusion" incident on the first nights live.
A light flashed over a brick wall ....it was pointed out by a crew member..."there it is again"....cue much ooooing and aahhing on its source .
A source that was instantly pointed out by a now expressionless Ciaran O'Keefe who seems increasingly more soul destroyed with each passing minute he takes the pay packet as headlights through an opening casting shadows and their light on the wall as they passed.
Instead of moving on and after seeing the "phenomenon" being recreated several times as cars passed the "brave crew" spent ten minutes debating the source of these lights as an intitally dubious Yvette saw the potential for some action and decided to doubt her inital conclusion for one of a more paranormal tilt.
When the daftness finally ended and they decided it was a car even the potential for a bit of a laugh about it was passed over with instead a miffed Yvette moaning at the waste of precious airtime ironically only wasted by her constant wish to find the extraordinary in the most mundane and normal of events.The least she or the team could have done was throw a few hand shapes against the wall for our entertainment whilst we were subjected to ten minutes of innane debate and brick staring.
The comedy did make a brief appearance however in the guise of a fainting audience member.
Apprently affected in her seat as Yvette and Chris Conway the new medium pottered about the balcony area stalking some supposedly deceased malevolent woman hater who had worked in the venue "Stacey" as we were soon to be constantly updated on came over all queer and was urged to "go out for some air"by a concerned Yvette. Her glee as she grasped Yvettes hand to her "thumping heart" was thinly disguised by the breathlessness she seemed to be experiencing and as she tottered out of her row aided by Yvie and some team members i couldnt help but feel she was suffering more from a wish to meet her "heros" and be part of the show rather than some spook induced ill health.
The fact that they had just hyped up the presence of this spook and his ill will to all seconds before she felt ill did little to rule out suggestion coupled with a little bit of excitement at the thought of being the centre of attention or for that matter any existing conditions she may have suffered from that could have contributed to her faint.
This incident was refered to on an half hourly basis and by the end of the night we had been reassured of Staceys now perfect health and happiness more times than Wossy had said "remarkable"or "chilling".
Incidentaly the gentle tumble whilst being held by others slowley to a sitting position was by the end of the night a dramatic and serious collapse of life threatening preportions.
The MH team must have however been eternally gratefull to Stacey for providing the only commentable moment of the entire night and even then only in a "what was that all about" way....perhaps thats why Wossy felt the need to mention her so much over the course of the night due to the lack of anykind of interesting material from his cohorts .
The second night saw us treated to regurgitation of wikipedia par excellance as they headed to a office building that once was the scene of a gruesome murder by the hysterically named but extrememly well evidenced and written about Dr Buck Ruxton.
What they failed to take into account was the number for the phones in the office was freely available on the net and of course to those who worked there cue endless calls that rung once then hung up.
This of course was deemed "strange" and "weird" and it wasnt till at least half an hour later they remembered the 1471 function but even then the "caller witheld their number" or "number unavailable" reply they got was given an air of mystery.
In reality countless prank callers were pissing themselves in glee at the teams apparent interest in these phantom calls....claims that it was Stus Pizza delivery guy letting them know he was at the front door or taxi for Howe finally arriving to usher her once and for all from our screens were unsubstantiated at this time
Chris Conway as the new medium gave the air of a man who was seriously regreting getting in tow with his new employers and alternated his expression from deeply depressed to nervously tense at the thought of his new career move perhaps not being the glittering prize he thought it might.
Much like Gordon Smiths brief appearances on MH you could almost hear his inner dialouge desperatly trying to work out how he could find a get out clause in his antix contract.
If this wasnt the case and perhaps he was simply suffering from a bout of nerves or severe live induced constipation then id suggest he stocks up on the japps health salts and raises his game above regurgitation of woogle site research. Ten seconds on the net gave me all i could ever need and more to replicate his offerings on the Palatine Halls and the Court house and cells.
Interstingly there wasnt even a mention of Lesley Smiths departure ....but there was much fanfare for the return of a rather dishevelled looking Phil Whyman.
He didnt say much , he wasnt involved much other than pre show vigils and to be honest it felt like another pal of Karls had been welcomed back to the fold rather than any desperate need for yet another crew member . Dr John Callow was introduced as the new historian but fans of felix or Smith will not be pleased as this guy had about as much charisma as a wet tissue and his historical offerings were in the form of long drawn out drawls of little real interest or aptness to the subjects at hand.
His floppy rakish hair and "edgey" leather jacket look of a teen friendly face who'd wandered in from the student bar for the night was a rather obvious attempt at updating the old models of the past.
As for his qualifications as a historian ...havent had time yet to check but even if hes qualified to the hilt i dont think anyone could stay awake long enough to benefit from it ....off to presenters school for you methinks post antix production meeting .
The most inexplicable and unintentionally hysterical inclusion of a new face was "the dream detective" also called Chris but whose second name escapes me right now ....this guy claims to have predicted the lockerbie bombing and faxes his alerts to the plods no less. His predictions for the show had been placed in a sealed envelope and were read by a increasingly weary looking wossy ....such revelations as a bad spirit will make themselves known , there will be trouble in the big building etc etc.
Not helping the "dream detectives" case was the fact that he looked like Frank Carson after a botched botox job had left him in a permanent state of wax faced gormlessness.
The poor sod looked so far out of his depth even a submarine couldnt have reached him.
The overriding impression left by the first offerings was more of the same , different faces, same set up, only with and added air of complete apathy and lack of interest from all concerned...and that was the general feeling of most of the audience too id imagine.