Late one night, a burglar breaks into a house. He tiptoes through the living room but suddenly freezes in his tracks when he hears a loud voice shrieking: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returns to the house, so the burglar creeps forward again. "Jesus is watching you!" the voice cries and the burglar again stops dead in his tracks. Frightened, he switches on his torch and looks all around the room. And there, over in a dark corner, he sees a parrot sitting on a perch. "Jesus is watching you!" squawks the parrot.
"Phew!" sighs the burglar, "That's a relief; I thought my conscience was working overtime! Who's a clever parrot then? What's your name?"
"Bernard." replies the bird.
"Bernard? That's a stupid name for a parrot." sneers the burglar.
"Yes," replies the parrot, "and Jesus is a stupid name for a Rottweiler!"
A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"
A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I’d like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." Again the man replied, "I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate £75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."
The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. "It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief. "No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important." "Is it the Governor?" replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief. "No! Even more important!" replies the trooper. "Well WHO is it?" screams the chief. "I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."
A leader in a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?" "I'm afraid he's very ill." "No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill ." The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time." A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?" "Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"
from Emo philips: · When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!
· So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."
· A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
· I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
· When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster
Post by The Legendary Barb on Oct 16, 2011 9:20:51 GMT
Jo ,can you not de-baptize yourself if you wish to ,that is, or have you already done so?. One is so ignorant of such things, have to admit I know next to nothing about this religion. We did have a thread going some time back about de-baptizing. Just wondering if anybody did indeed do this.
Not that easy for the Mormons... they'll just wait for you to die then baptise you ...they run this whole"Baptism for the Dead" thing... " Mormons have performed temple ordinances on behalf of a number of high profile people. Of particular interest are: the Founding Fathers of the U.S., Presidents of the U.S., Pope John Paul II, John Wesley, Christopher Columbus, Adolf Hitler, and others." Although I believe that missjo might just get away with it because I think you must not have been baptised as a mormon prior to their little charade.
Barb I haven't bothered de-baptising myself, as I don't consider myself to be any religion and usually tick 'none' on any boxes anyway. I'm sure I'll be on a list of theirs somewhere, so I just need to lie low and they won't find me. ;D
"No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft." H G Wells
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said,
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
"Astrology teaches us one thing and one thing only.... There's one born every minute!" Patrick Moore.
I don't eat pork because God told me not to.... well.... he didn't tell me personally but he told some other guys that told me.... well.... he didn't tell them personally either but they read it in a book that is fourteen hundred years old and written by someone unknown which tells us not to eat pork.
You must be insane to question a book like that.
"Astrology teaches us one thing and one thing only.... There's one born every minute!" Patrick Moore.
