Religious Humour

[mrjohnno]

Church Bloopers

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow...
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones..
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon..
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours..

[romany]

Laughed out loud at those, brilliant! My faves:

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

and

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Thankyou!;D

[Ma'amJo]

I like the sound of the electric girdles! ;D

[The Legendary Barb]

Oh Johnno,returning to your island paradise as done wonders to your post. They are brill, was feeling a little low, until I read them. Perked me up a treat, thank you. ;D

[mrjohnno]

Sept 3, 2010 15:29:48 GMT The Legendary Barb said:

Oh Johnno,returning to your island paradise as done wonders to your post. They are brill, was feeling a little low, until I read them. Perked me up a treat, thank you. ;D

Welcome barb

Some of my posts are deep theological and philosophical arguments while others are lighthearted. Can't do doom and gloom all the time.

[redbaron]

[bujin]

Sept 9, 2010 10:15:43 GMT redbaron said:

Ah, now Family Guy did that one:

[mrjohnno]

Ned also done it, 3:00 mins in

[Amaris]

[Amaris]

[Amaris]

[mrjohnno]

WITCHES VOICE FRUSTRATION AT 'DABBLERS'

PEOPLE dabbling in the occult need to show more dedication if they are to succeed at 'the craft', according to top coven leaders.

Professional witchcraft groups say high profile 'dabblers' like Tea Pot out-patient Christine O'Donnell and various rock band twats are sending the wrong message to young, would-be sorcerers.

Coven head Emma Bradford, also known as 'Auld Meggy Brockles', said: "A bit of casual ouija and the Hamish Hamlin Big Book of Spells isn't going to get you far in this game.

"You're not a proper witch until you have warts on the back of your knees and can kill a heifer just by breathing at it."

She added: "Witches were once revered and persecuted for their diabolical powers. Villagers lived in fear of the local 'cunning woman', knowing that if they crossed her their next child would be born an eight-legged mouse, despite the fact that none of her other curses had ever worked on anyone.

"But nowadays 'witch' is shorthand for 'menopausal woman with underarm hair, unflattering purple attire and a dreamcatcher suspended outside her rather cluttered kitchen window.

"Oh, and echinacea. They always have echinacea."

Martin Bishop, professor of bewitchliment at Reading University, said: "If Christine O'Donnell is serious about becoming a witch then she is going to have to base her beliefs and actions on a lot of made-up nonsense while instilling irrational fear and claiming she can cure homosexuality with a poultice."

He added: "Oh, I see. Well in that case all she has to do now is have sex with a goat."

[The Legendary Barb]

Howled with laughter, mis-read the last bit.Thought she had to have sex with a ghost. ;D

[mrjohnno]

Sept 26, 2010 12:43:07 GMT The Legendary Barb said:

Thought she had to have sex with a ghost. ;D

It wasn't curiosity that killed the cat, it was bestiality.

[mrjohnno]

I am perplexed that so many people are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every society to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbeque with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass it on.

[Amaris]

I'm not sure if we have this joke on here somewhere or if I read it somewhere before but hey I'll post it anyway From Emo Phillips (I loved his stolen bicycle joke too }

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

[Stephen]

Sept 26, 2010 18:08:40 GMT mrjohnno said:

I am perplexed that so many people are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every society to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose, that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbeque with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side an off-licence, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan, pass it on.

Love it, love it....

[mrjohnno]

Parvinder and Habib are Muslim beggars. They beg in different areas of Toronto

Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $2 to $3 day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say ?'

Habib's sign reads; 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says, 'No wonder you only get $2- $3 !'

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say ?'

Parvinder shows Habib his sign....

It reads: 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan '

[redbaron]

text from my brother in law:

I was just at a taliban stag party - it got really wild when the stripper got her face out for the lads.

[terry]

;D